Is this copyrighted??
Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home?
Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
In an email from a friend, I received the following list of butchered idioms, historical references, names, and sayings (sometimes the correct word, name or phrase is given after a dash or in parentheses):
In my browsings on the Web (long story) I came across this. (Long story, it’s an offshoot from http://www.livejournal.com/~bcampbell/ if you’re that interested.) I reproduce it here as it appears on the page.
Jackisms [21 Dec 2002|08:11pm]
I found this on the network at work. It was called ‘Jackisms’. I suppose jack is someone that works in whatever area that particular server was located in.
1. Between a rock and a hard roll.
2. Verennial disease.
3. LaBarrage – L’Auberge.
4. Tarantula downpour.
5. See if any other eligibilities are evolved (involved ) in this case.
6. If Cleopatra doesn’t come to Romeo.
7. Basket and Robbins.
8. A.I. – Alcoholics Anonymous.
9. Apptabit – APTAD
11. The plane we flew in was a 537 – Marked down from 737.?
I received this in an email from a parent of a student I have tutored:
New IEEE standard values:
Non-Conventional Units of Conversion
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 Microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 Bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 Billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 Semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 Megahurtz
Two items in my recent collection of blog spam:
I inclination not acquiesce in on it. I think nice post. Particularly the designation attracted me to be familiar with the sound story.
No offense to anyone on here, but it is funny how new users like myself trust everything that they read hear. Just because youve been a member longer than me does not mean that you are smarter. Please heed all advice before taking
Or are those real people? Wouldn’t be surprised. Illiteracy (not always the person’s fault; the culture and education of today needs improvement) is full of joyous wonders.
In an “ADDRESS TO THE VIENNA PRESS CLUB, NOVEMBER 21, 1897, DELIVERED IN GERMAN [Here in literal translation],” an address entitled “DIE SCHRECKEN DER DEUTSCHEN SPRACHE [THE HORRORS OF THE GERMAN LANGUAGE],” Mark Twain said:
It has me deeply touched, my gentlemen, here so hospitably received to be. From colleagues out of my own profession, in this from my own home so far distant land. My heart is full of gratitude, but my poverty of German words forces me to greater economy of expression. Excuse you, my gentlemen, that I read off, what I you say will. [But he didn't read].
The German language speak I not good, but have numerous connoisseurs me assured that I her write like an angel. Maybe—maybe—I know not. Have till now no acquaintance with the angels had. That comes later—when it the dear God please—it has no hurry.
Since long, my gentlemen, have I the passionate longing nursed a speech on German to hold, but one has me not permitted. Men, who no feeling for the art had, laid me ever hindrance in the way and made naught my desire—sometimes by excuses, often by force. Always said these men to me: “Keep you still, your Highness! Silence! For God’s sake seek another way and means yourself obnoxious to make.”
… I am indeed the truest friend of the German language—and not only now, but from long since—yes, before twenty years already. And never have I the desire had the noble language to hurt; to the contrary, only wished she to improve—I would her only reform. It is the dream of my life been. … I would only some changes effect. I would only the language method—the luxurious, elaborate construction compress, the eternal parenthesis suppress, do away with, annihilate; the introduction of more than thirteen subjects in one sentence forbid; the verb so far to the front pull that one it without a telescope discover can. With one word, my gentlemen, I would your beloved language simplify so that, my gentlemen, when you her for prayer need, One her yonder-up understands.
HT: Paul B and Hannes H
Call this “How Not to Write For the SAT”…
In an email from ROBERT SWAN MUELLER III, FBI DIRECTOR, but, mysteriously enough, with this heading information:
Subject: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
Date: October 7, 2009 8:42:02 AM CDT
the FBI said to me:
** High Priority **
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
WASHINGTON D.C ROOM, 7367
J. EDGAR HOOVER FBI BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, DC 20535,
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET
We sincerely apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a certified mail,Post-mail,Phone or Face-to- face conversation, it is due to the urgency and importance of the security information of our citizenry.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3), National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C), Bureau of Justice Assistance (BJA) and some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United States of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.
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